Why is friend hiding orientation?

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • #10551

    Nicole
    Participant

    I have a friend whom I’ve known for more than three years. Recently, a mutual friend, who met her in drama and has known her for about six months, mentioned in a casual conversation that our friend is a lesbian. She has apparently had several girlfriends and is part of a gay-straight club at our school. I don’t think I’m homophobic, but I am wondering why she would keep this from me and tell so many others (apparently everyone in drama)? And should I say anything to her?

    User Detail :  

    Name : Nicole, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Age : 15, City : Northville, State : MI Country : United States, 
    #13993

    Jessica
    Member

    Why would you want to say anything? Have you made the decision to ‘come out’ to her as ‘straight’? What would you say to her? If she feels the need to share that part of her life with you, I’m sure she will. Perhaps she is afraid it will negatively affect your relationship. If you really want her to tell you, join the club she belongs to to illustrate your support of all sexualities. When she knows you are accepting of who she is, it will be easier for her to talk openly with you about it.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Jessica, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 23, City : Huntsville, State : TX Country : United States, Occupation : Student, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 
    #31795

    KateCN
    Member

    Ever heard of stigma management? I used to wonder why lesbians as a group were so quiet, almost invisible, until I purposively sought them out because I faced up to my own sexual orientation (at this late phase in my life). I have always been heterosexual, been married, and had a child. It is so difficult to imagine what it is like to be discriminated against in a heterosexist society if you are heterosexual yourself. A male gay friend of mine has the ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell! policy, and it works perfectly for him.

    Instead of saying anything to your friend about this, show her that you are a person who is tolerant and accepting of differences. That may just do the trick.

    User Detail :  

    Name : KateCN, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Lesbian, Race : Asian, Religion : Catholic, Age : 46, City : QC, State : NA Country : Philippines, Occupation : Teacher, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 
    #47389

    Ramonna30221
    Participant

    The only way to know why you were not told is to ask her. Maybe it just never came up in conversation. Maybe she feels more comfortable among Drama Club people. I would also not jump to the conclusion that she told a lot of other people. It is quite possible she told only one person, and that person told one person, etc. When I was in high school, if you wanted the whole school to know something, all you had to do was tell one person and swear them to secrecy. Of course, there could also be the possibility that it is not true, or she may be unsure of herself. Another reason to talk to her.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Ramonna30221, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Episcopalian, City : Minneapolis, State : MN Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 
    #37199

    hey!
    Member

    I am Bisexual and i am scared to tell some people due to they way they may act. Also i havent told some people because i didnt think they would care ask her maybe she didnt think of telling you. how would this sound ‘Hi, I am sara and i am gay’

    User Detail :  

    Name : hey!, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Catholic, Age : 16, City : hollywood, State : FL Country : United States, Occupation : student, Education level : Less than High School Diploma, Social class : Middle class, 
    #41560

    Kathy
    Member

    Perhaps your friend may have been unsure of your reaction. I have been in this situation before. A good friend of mine was a lesbian, and several people who worked with us knew she was, except me. When she did finally tell me she had a girlfriend, I admit I was a little shocked, which was the typical reaction of someone who did not know anyone who was gay at the time (I was only 18). After a few days it sank in, and I was able to accept it. But I am sure there are folks who, due to religion or age, have more trouble with it. I realized I cared about her and loved her as a person. What she did in her private life didn’t matter. It must have been really hard for her to put herself out there like that. Perhaps your friend’s drama group is a comfort zone for her. If there are other gay friends there, it may have been easier for her to come out to them first. I doubt it is intentional on her part to exclude you. Perhaps you can ask her about who she is seeing just to bring it up. Make her feel comfortable and cared for, regardless of her sexual orientation.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Kathy, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : American Indian/Mexican, Religion : Catholic, Age : 32, City : Pasadena, State : CA Country : United States, Occupation : advertising, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 
    #33979

    becky
    Member

    It sounds like your friend is electing to keep the information to herself. She may feel more comfortable letting others know who actively participate in the gay/straight club at school due to a perceived comradery. Growing up as a gay teenager, I found it easier to simply stay as invisible as I could. Teens can be very hard on someone viewed as different. I would just encourage you to be her friend.

    User Detail :  

    Name : becky, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Lesbian, Age : 44, City : houston, State : TX Country : United States, Occupation : Computer Advisor, Education level : 4 Years of College, 
    #28007

    Kerry
    Member

    It’s always a stress to tell somebody you’re not straight, no matter who it is, or how long you’ve known them, or how accepting you expect them to be. Actually, after you get to know somebody, it’s worse to tell them, because they might expect you to have told them sooner, and it’s Why tell me now?

    User Detail :  

    Name : Kerry, Gender : F, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Wiccan, Age : 32, City : Ventura, State : CA Country : United States, Occupation : Stagehand, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 
    #39611

    Tor
    Member

    Coming out is hard, and coming from a school where I get juice boxes thrown at me for being a lesbian, it isnt alway easy to trust someone. More likely than not, your friend is afraid that you will hate her because of it. My advice is think about it, if it bothers you that she’s a lesbian, than deal with that. If it just bothers you that she didnt tell you, good for you, but dont be hard on her. On of my friends got pissed at me when i came out because i told someone else before her… So just accept it, and move on

    User Detail :  

    Name : Tor, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Lesbian, Age : 15, City : St. Louis, State : MO Country : United States, Occupation : Student, 
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