Dare To Aks Talk And News About Our Differences - This topic has 23 replies, 22 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 7 months ago by
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Why is it that black men have such hostility toward black women? As an African-American woman, age 38, I have encountered this very extreme hostility (or extreme coldness) from my African-American brothers. It is displayed in many ways, from making disparaging remarks about my body to sitting next to me on the subway or bus with a leg pressed against mine. It is for this reason that I no longer attempt to have friendships/relationships with African-American men. This is especially important because I have a son, age 6. If black men are openly hostile to me, how would they treat my son?
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Name : RhondaOutlaw, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Lutheran, Age : 41, City : New York, State : NY Country : United States, Occupation : Account Representative, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,Rhonda: There is not enough information here for me to appreciate the hostility you are concerned with. That withstanding, can we shift focus. From a metaphysical bent, I’m wondering what’s going on with you. I’m not looking to point the finger. Rather, I’m wondering what the universe is presenting to you. Provided that you don’t believe all black men are hostile towards us,is it possible that you are experiencing this hostility because of some deep seated anger of your own? What are the possible lessons for you in these encounters? Would you consider that this undesirable behavior on a deeper level is a call for love? Please, believe that I do not mean to invalidate your assertion. But in situations where the constant is self, it makes sense to seek the solution with self.
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Name : zawadi, Gender : F, Age : 35, City : Farmington Hills, State : MI Country : United States, Social class : Middle class,It seems it goes both ways. It seems that black women hate black men, too. Black men tend to dislike black women because they feel that the black woman disrespects black men, and in turn, the black female feels the same way.
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Name : Robert R., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 17, City : St. Louis, State : MO Country : United States, Occupation : student/game developer, Education level : Less than High School Diploma, Social class : Upper middle class,I probably should keep my self out of this discussion but I’m always game to be honest. I hope I don’t hurt anyone, just to give an opinion that a few Black guys I know feel. I think the hostility stems from the feelings of superiority and hostility many Black women feel about Black men. All Black men ever here from society at large is how they are violent go-no-wheres. Unfortunately, some Black women have started to believe this. Like all men, Black men need their women too. They don’t need anymore enemies. Whenever they hear themselves being torn down by another Black woman that should be able to differentiate between a Black man and a hood, they feel that push that’s keeping them from the top. Of course they should take every woman as they come, but they’re just as fed up as Black women are. It’s one more thing I think, that needs to be addressed. Humbly your’s, Seamus.
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Name : Seamus28231, Gender : M, Age : 20, City : Charlestown, State : MA Country : United States, Occupation : Student/Pipe-fitter, Social class : Lower class,I wish I could say I don’t believe what you’re saying, Rhonda, but I’ve seen it, also. From the hip-hop denigration to everyday conversation and interaction, it seems that far too many black men have a deep loathing, or at least a disrespect, for black women. Not all, though. You have to remember that the wounds of slavery and Jim Crow have yet to heal. We, as black people, have been instilled at the cultural level with a severe self-hatred. This includes black men’s all-too-common lack of regard for black women, and vice-versa. If you happen upon black men who are aware of this condition, and who have taken steps to deal with this cultural illness in their lives, I believe you will find a much warmer reception. Also, perhaps, there may be some instances in which your expectations of such treatment are causing you to respond in kind before the black man has a chance to offend you. I hope your son can find a way to learn that a black man can love black women, as well as himself. I (and many other black men, to be sure) am living proof that it can, and does, happen.
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Name : Samuel, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Age : 31, City : Chicago, State : IL Country : United States, Occupation : Firefighter, Education level : High School Diploma, Social class : Lower middle class,To Sam of Chicago: The ‘wounds of slavery and Jim Crow’ are no excuse for the dismal treatment that many of my friends and I have received from black men – we don’t deserve it. We have always loved and supported black men through the best and worst of times. I am a good woman, conservative in manner and dress, who is respectful and thoughtful of others, and I instill these and other good values in my six-year-old son, who is my world and No. 1 priority.
Here is a sample of the hostility I receive from black men: Degrading comments about my body (I dress conservatively – some friends say too conservatively), offers to ‘stop and talk,’ and when I don’t respond the way they feel I should, they become insulting, invading my personal space by pressing their leg against mine on public transportation, etc. It’s bad enough these things happen to me, but I become extremely resentful when it’s done in front of my little boy; he certainly doesn’t deserve this. I have not attempted friendships and, especially, ‘relationships,’ with black men since my son was born. I believe the hostility black men display toward black women is extremely dangerous to my son, and to me. As his mom, it is my responsibility to protect him from anything and anyone who could cause him harm. I realize my decision is extreme, but I feel that me and my little boy are better off.
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Name : RhondaOutlaw, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Lutheran, Age : 41, City : New York, State : NY Country : United States, Occupation : Account Representative, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I am a white male, so my opinion on this probably isn’t what you had in mind. I have no idea why, but I also know it isn’t all black men who have issues with black women. I date interracially often, and many of my partners are black women who can’t find a decent black man. They (men) seem to think that a woman is something to be tolerated instead of cherished. Much of ‘black culture’ consists of music and behavior that glorifies the degradation of women and promotes an anti-achievement attitude. Should it surprise anyone when some people take these messages to heart?
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Name : Dave, Gender : M, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 31, City : Atlanta, State : GA Country : United States, Social class : Middle class,I don’t want to trivialize your statement, because it seems that you are in some anguish over this, but I feel the need to make it clear that MOST BLACK MEN LOVE(DO NOT HATE)BLACK WOMEN. I didn’t understand why you were having such a problem until I read you example. You’re taking those few silly fools seriously, when no one else does. I know what your’re talking about, because the boys(not men, even though they are of age) are ridiculous about that. Fortunately, I grew up in the South, where you meet enough black men to know that those disrespectful ones are not the majority.
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Name : Mandi, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Baptist, Age : 21, City : Boston, State : MA Country : United States, Occupation : student, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I can’t speak for all black men, but I think many of them feel black women are (and have been since slavery) co-conspirators with white men in a genocidal war waged on black men.
Personally, I’ve found that white women are more understanding of black men, maybe because we share the same oppressor. Black women don’t face the same pressures and pitfalls that many black men face all of their lives. White men aren’t afraid of black women. And further, they have always been sexually (if not romantically) attracted to them.
Many office environments today look like plantation big-houses of the antebellum South, with a massa-manager and his harem of fawning young black clerical types – and not a black male in site. So, if black men do hate black women, it’s because they clearly see in the words and actions of black women that they hate black men.
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Name : Paul S., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Atheist, Age : 32, City : Oak Park, State : MI Country : United States, Occupation : software engineer, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class,‘A genocidal war’ against black men? Wow. That is about as hostile, ignorant and prejudiced as any response I have ever seen on Y? Forum.p> What about the fact that black men (teenagers and young adults, to be specific) kill far more black men than anyone else? Should we also talk about African men with AIDS who insist on having unprotected sex?
Black women are co-conspirators? They are your mothers and sisters and daughters, for God’s sake.
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Name : Carter32401, Gender : M, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 30, City : Chicago, State : IL Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Lower middle class,To expound on Paul’s post, I think the main reasons many African-American men these days have such hostility toward African-American women are jealousy and misguided frustrations.
Jealousy, because as Paul mentioned, most black women, especially in the professional world, do not experience the same hardships as black men. This is not to say black women do not face their own struggles, but it is to say that in the lower levels of organizations, sex and not race is more of a barrier, and unfortunately that is a barrier that is easier to overcome for because there is less opposition there when compared to race. So, many black men become jealous of the pereived success of black women or the easier path that many of them travel early in their careers.
This jealousy leads to the second problem, which is misguided frustration. Many brothers frustrated with a system that punishes them for being black, but that at the same time allows a black women to move along seemingly unscathed, develop deep resentments. While I believe these resentments are at the system, most black men unfortunately attack black women as a means of attacking the system. This of course is ridiculous for a variety of reasons, but the most important thing brothers should realize is that sisters always encounter the wall of racism later in their careers, typically where it has a much more damaging effect on them than it has on us, since we’ve been dealing with it out of the gate.
Personally, I think your tactic of not involving yourself with black men is harmful to all of us, because, like it or not, we are all in this together.
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Name : Tre, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Taoist, Age : 36, City : Chicago, State : IL Country : United States, Occupation : Management consultant, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class,I think black men have ‘issues’ in general which may be ascribed to history-slavery, unemployment etc. Since the white male and female are more or less protected by color/authority, the blk female becomes a permissible object upon which to ‘vent’-since there is little threat of economic or social repercussions. I think class differences may also be at play in your encounters because I can hardly think of an educated and polished black man making rude comments. This doesn’t mean you should absorb the abuse with a Christian spirit; on the contrary, keep your positive spirit and good people should gravitate to you-black, white, etc.
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Name : Constance, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Catholic, Age : 32, City : Lansing, State : MI Country : United States, Occupation : doctor, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,Y? Forum would never feature a posting like Paul S.’s if it were made by a white male. Believe me, I’ve tried. I don’t get it. Why is it OK for a non-white or a female to get on a soap-box on Y? Forum but not a white male? A white guy’s personal opinion is seldom seen on this forum. C’mon, guys!
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Name : Anonymous, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Age : 42, City : Louisville, State : KY Country : United States,While it may seem that there is a hate/hate relationship between black males and females, I choose to believe it is really all relative. All behavior is learned, and most black men do not grow up with positive examples of male/female relationships. I’ve learned the hard way that much of the displayed hostility that black males express is not directed at us (black women). They are angry about the inequities of the workforce, profiling, absent fathers, hurt mothers, too many siblings under one roof, not enough money and years of trying to love black women who just don’t ‘understand’ their pain.
Our society hasn’t exactly cultivated a race of men known for their ability to communicate their feelings. The result is manifested in ways that far too often are negative and misleading. As a result, black men are, unfortunately, left to be viewed as the ‘creature misunderstood.’
The hate dilemma is not a male/female issue. I feel there is a similar, unhealthy friction between black women. I offer that it’s more likely an internal struggle born to a race of men looking for their ‘preferred’ emotional forum. Black women serve as more of a ‘mirror’ for black men than a captive audience, so don’t take it personally. Many things in life, and men, are often not as they seem. Besides, white men have issues, too. All relationships (including friendships) require ‘work.’
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Name : Penny D., Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Age : 38, City : Jacksonville, State : FL Country : United States, Occupation : writer/consultant, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,As I read the response my black brother gave to my black sister, I could only imagine a man who was burned by one of his own people. Unfortunately, we have this happen too often in our society. However, what does it say of us as people if we begin to give up on the future of the black community by choosing to dismiss the entire female society of black women based on a few undesirable experiences? Hopefully we will come together and realize that many women of all ethnic groups (not races) share the same feelings about our men. I adore black men (good and bad); although we have male stalkers lurking and perpetrating as if they are model citizens within our black community, we must weed them out and continue our quest for increasing the consciousness of black America.
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Name : Missing-In-Action20495, City : Carson, State : CA Country : United States,
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