Parents or lover?

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  • #3176

    Milee C.
    Participant

    If you had to choose between your parents or your lover, who would you choose?

    User Detail :  

    Name : Milee C., Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Asian, Age : 18, City : Porterville, State : CA Country : United States, Education level : High School Diploma, 
    #28155

    Lucy22450
    Participant

    That depends entirely on the situation. The question ‘If you had to choose between your parents or your lover, who would you choose?’ does not have enough information to make a recommendation. What are your parents’ objections to your lover? What are your parents like? Are they abusive? Racist? Totally unreasonable all the time? Or are they generally reasonable people who have your best interests at heart, and have some objection to this guy? My general advice is that at 18 people shouldn’t be making any life-altering decisions. That means that they shouldn’t be getting married, having children, and things like that. Although legal you are an adult at 18, you will not believe how much you will change in the next 5-10 years. Your goals, interests, values, and so on may be very different then than they are now. If you make lifelong commitments now, you will signifigantly limit your opportunities and choices in the future. In my own experience, I was in love at 17 with the man I thought I wanted to spend my life with. My mom advised me to wait to get married at least a few years – until I finished college. She said that if he really was someone I wanted to marry, then in 4 or 5 years he still would be there. And if I changed my mind in that time, then I wouldn’t be stuck in a marriage to a man I didn’t want anymore or be divorced in my early 20s. I took my mom’s advice, and within 2 years this man and I had grown apart. I realized that what I wanted out of life what not what he wanted and that in the long term, we were not compatable. I still think he’s a great guy and everything, but he just isn’t who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. So I moved on. I realized that taking my mom’s advice was one of the best decisions of my life.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Lucy22450, Gender : F, Race : Hispanic/Latino (may be any race), Age : 26, City : San Jose, State : CA Country : United States, Occupation : Engineer, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 
    #28999

    Stacey
    Member

    I guess the bottom line for me would be this (and I hope this doesn’t sound too cheesy): lovers come and go, while parents stay (generally). If it’s the lover who is saying, ‘It’s either me or your parents,’ I would run far, far away. If it’s your parents who are saying it, I would talk with them and try to understand their point of view. Supposedly these are people who have been in your life all along and often understand a lot about you. If they tend to make good decisions, trust that they may be able to see something that you don’t. However, if your parents are always saying, ‘It’s either him/her or us’ with every person you bring home, then it’s a whole other ball of wax.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Stacey, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Jehovahs Witness, Age : 28, City : Boston, State : MA Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 
    #22828

    Shelly27969
    Participant

    I’m inclined to think that anyone who truly loves you would not put you in such a position to have to choose between one or the other. They may initially show this sort of sentiment, but once challenged that it isn’t a very fair position to put you in, those who love you (for yourself, in spite of and because of the choices you make) will back down from this position when they see how much it hurts you to be made to choose.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Shelly27969, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 26, City : Pittsburgh, State : PA Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 
    #15315

    Cassandra32410
    Participant

    I don’t have a lover, but I have parents. Judging from the things that they did, and my subsequent level of emotional distance from them, I have to say that I’ll go with the unknown, and choose the lover. Sometimes the devil you DON’T know is better.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Cassandra32410, Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, Age : 37, City : Chicago, State : IL Country : United States, Occupation : Auditor, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 
    #33899

    Chuck A.
    Member

    I think many of us who are Gay or Lesbian might prefer that you rephrase the question. By ‘lover,’ do you mean domestic partner or spouse, or do you mean someone who sneaks in through the bedroom window in the middle of the night? It would be inappropriate for me to call my partner Greg my ‘husband,’ since we are forbidden from getting legally married in the United States; but he is certainly more to me than a ‘lover,’ since we have made a commitment to each other, we are monogamous, and we intend to be together for life. God tells us that we are to cleave unto our spouses. So if I had to choose between my parents and Greg, I would have to choose Greg. Fortunately I don’t have to choose, because my parents accept Greg, and as a matter of fact Greg & I are spending next weekend with my parents at their lovely lakeside home!

    User Detail :  

    Name : Chuck A., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 41, City : Spring Hill, State : WV Country : United States, Occupation : AIDS Educator/Part-time radio announcer, 
    #47285

    J-French21289
    Participant

    You should never stay with any lover who makes you choose between themselves and anything else. This person is only interested in their own well-being and nothing else. But sometimes you have to choose on your own. My mother and I had a too-close-for-comfort relationship as far back as I can remember. She resented me so much after I married that she became impossible to communicate with. She wanted to be the center of my world again, and I would not sacrifice my marriage. I told my mother I could not speak to her any more, and I haven’t since. Neither she nor my husband ever said anything about choosing one or the other, though, it’s a choice I made myself. Sometimes you have to have the maturity to see your situation for what it is and do the right thing to fix it, no matter how difficult.

    User Detail :  

    Name : J-French21289, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 24, City : Houston, State : TX Country : United States, Occupation : unemployed, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Lower class, 
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