Homosexuals marrying heterosexuals

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  • #10707

    CP19380
    Participant

    Why would a homosexual choose to marry a heterosexual? Unless a gay person led an extremely sheltered life, how could he or she not know they were gay? They must at least have known they weren’t attracted to the opposite sex. It seems a very cruel thing to do to their spouse (I know a woman in this situation).

    User Detail :  

    Name : CP19380, Gender : F, Age : 22, City : Montreal, Quebec, State : NA Country : Canada, 
    #34390

    I married a woman at 22, in 1983. Did I know I liked guys? Yes. Did I identify as gay? No. My older brother is gay, and when he came out to the family, he was kicked out of town and despised from then on. With that in mind, I followed a course of action that stayed more within the bounds of my mother’s plan for me: Got married, bought a house, started the American dream. It turned into a nightmare, predictably. My wife became hateful and bitter (can’t blame her) at my lack of committment and not-so-hot sex drive. Four years later, we divorced. It was cruel to her, and also to me. Why did I do it? It was what my family expected of me; i.e. be straight or be thrown out. Don’t discount the societal and familial pressure that is put on kids to be ‘normal.’ Thank God I had the sense to make sure we didn’t have kids.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Mark Bentley, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : UFMCC - Cathedral of Hope, Age : 39, City : Dallas, State : TX Country : United States, Occupation : Financial analyst, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Lower middle class, 
    #28580

    Salomé
    Member

    Why did you get married in the first place? Did your wife know that you were gay? How did she react? Couldn’t you just stay single and do all the things that your family expected like buying a house, getting some unbelievably fabulous job, etc? Sometimes I wonder why people get married if they know that they eventually will have to face/address the fact that they are gay or lesbian. I don’t mean to offend you. I’m just wondering.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Salomé, Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, Age : 25, City : St. Paul, State : MN Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, 
    #15503

    Thom24774
    Participant

    In two words, societal pressures. Yes, a gay person marrying a straight person is terribly unfair, sometimes even cruel. But the gay person has probably received so many messages – including the one that having sex with a person of the other sex will ‘cure’ him or her – that in desperation he or she marries. A gay person marries to make parents or church or society happy. Then he or she discovers the terrible personal cost- to both people.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Thom24774, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Age : 57, City : Washington, State : DC Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, 
    #28818

    Paul30489
    Participant

    I know a number of gay married or formerly married men who had little sexual experience before marrying. Their sex drive toward women was weak or non-existant, and they had no venue for having sex with men. Being sexually inexperienced, they hoped marriage (society’s norm) would ‘cure’ them of their gay inclinations. If people are scaled from totally homosexual to totally heterosexual, these married men who can perform with their wives (however unsatisfyingly for both) might be more accurately described as bisexual rather than homosexual.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Paul30489, Gender : M, City : San Antonmio, State : TX Country : United States, 
    #40648

    L.G.
    Member

    I am married to a man who is gay. He can’t/won’t admit this to himself. Denial is a very strong thing sometimes. I would agree that a lot of it is because of society’s pressures. Fear, a need to be ‘normal.’ I don’t think he meant to hurt me, I think he thought if he acted straight, he’d be straight. It’s sad and confusing for everyone involved.

    There is a support group online called ‘str8’s’ Your friend can find the list at a site called ‘Topica.’ It’s a lifesaver.

    User Detail :  

    Name : L.G., Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Methodist, Age : 36, City : Brighton, State : MI Country : United States, Occupation : Self-employed, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 
    #16630

    DykeOnByke
    Member

    It is not at all unusual for older gays and lesbians to have been married and have children. I never thought of myself as particularly sheltered growing up in the military as an Army officer’s daughter and traveling all over the world, but ‘homosexual’ was not a word I encountered until high school (in snickering students’ references to poet Walt Whitman, whose poems seemed to me to be mostly about trees and nature). I only equated it to men, not women. Considering the total omission of the subject in school, church, youth groups, dating guides, newspapers, TV, etc., it is not surprising to me that my comprehension of homosexuality was limited to a stereotype of men who for some unfathomable reason lusted for sex with other men. But, then I thought boys were rather unfathomable in the first place; they all seemed ‘on the make.’ While I dated boys in high school, I didn’t fall in love with any of them. Nor do I remember being particularly attracted to any girls. Many of the girls I knew in 1960’s Alabama seemed very shallow, prissy and boy-crazy. I only understood homosexuality in terms of some illegal male/male sex act, not love, not even ‘making love.’ I was in college before I met an ‘out’ gay man. No one ever explained to a young virgin like me that it could involve a loving relationship between two women. When I finally fell in love with a man in college, I married him. I’d never heard of lesbians until after I married. Many of the problems in our 18-year marriage had more to with gender roles than sex. I admired the lesbian couples I knew. They were loving, intimate, monogamous and communicated well — best friends as well as lovers. That intimacy had faded in my marriage. As far as I could tell, Men really were from Mars and Women from Venus. Men just run on a different emotional wave length. So after my divorce, I just tuned into women on my own wave length. It is easier today for young people to have a clue that they might be gay, lesbian or bisexual. The words are no longer whispered in secret only, but found in daily life. Information is more readily available.

    User Detail :  

    Name : DykeOnByke, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Lesbian, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 48, City : Southfield, State : MI Country : United States, Occupation : Engineer; corporate diversity council member, 
    #45368

    Kerry
    Member

    I didn’t know I loved women until age 21 or so; by this time, I had formed a very loving relationship with a man. Maybe I should have realized it earlier, I don’t know, but I didn’t. He was the first one I told, once I had learned this about myself. Had he reacted badly, I probably wouldn’t have stayed. However, he loved me and this was just another facet of me. I have never been faced with ‘having’ to make a choice. Our decision was to look for a woman to make our marriage into a three-part instead of a two-part. I haven’t found her yet, but I believe she is out there. You would be surprised how many happily married lesbians there are. Some have female relationships, some do not. Some have divorced their husbands, others are planning to, others have no intentions of ever doing so.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Kerry, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Pagan, Age : 29, City : Ventura, State : CA Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 
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