‘Dear John’ lies

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  • #11222

    Greg21570
    Participant

    Why is it that when a person doesn’t want to date you anymore, they often lie through their teeth indefinitely rather than just tell you straight up? My women friends tell me guys do this, too. Why the endless string of lies, the ‘I really want to see you but I’m just busy’ or ‘I’ll call you later’ lines? I find it a deeper insult to take advantage of my trust and to be manipulated.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Greg21570, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Taoist, Age : 37, City : Sacramento, State : CA Country : United States, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Lower middle class, 
    #32205

    Lucy22628
    Participant

    I think that when people break off a relationship, some are sincerely trying to protect the other person’s feelings, and think they will accomplish this by lying or bending the truth. Usually, this is someone they once cared a great deal about, and probably still do. But I think that if someone cares about another person, they owe it to that person to be honest with them. Another reason I think people lie when breaking off a relationship is that they don’t want the other person to be mad at them. This is purely selfish and with no regard to the other person’s feelings. Whatever the reason, it is stupid. People should be honest with each other and not try to play games.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Lucy22628, Gender : F, Race : Hispanic/Latino (may be any race), Age : 25, City : San Jose, State : CA Country : United States, Occupation : Engineer, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 
    #41459

    Rebecca30093
    Participant

    I think telling someone you are not interested in them is really difficult. In my personal experience, I didn’t necessarily dislike the person with whom I was breaking up, but I just didn’t feel ‘it’ — that spark of excitement that makes another person appealing. I just wanted to break up — not hurt them, hence the ‘breaking it to him easy’ method. Which, I agree, is not as good as saying it straight out. But doesn’t necessarily qualify as lying manipulation, either. (Although it could be a form of cowardice.) If you sense you’re getting the brush off, you could try saying — without anger — ‘Be honest with me. I would rather hear it in plain terms: do you want to date or not?’ Be encouraging. Don’t act defensive. And then see what she says.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Rebecca30093, City : Minneapolis, State : MN Country : United States, 
    #34758

    Lorraine
    Member

    We’re all cowards when it comes to doing something painful like dumping a boyfriend or girlfriend. We know we should get out of a dead-end relationship but keep putting off that difficult moment when we have to tell someone who likes us a lot we don’t feel the same way. We may still care for them and maybe, in some warped way, we think we are protecting them from hurt, when the best thing to do would be to end the relationship as quickly and cleanly as possible. It’s no excuse – it’s just human nature. All we can do is treat others as we would like to be treated ourselves and hope a little of that rubs off on our own lives.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Lorraine, Gender : F, Age : 40, City : London, State : NA Country : United Kingdom, 
    #45087

    Priscilla30302
    Participant

    People are trying to be polite – they don’t want to hurt your feelings. And they think if they don’t say anything nasty, you won’t be hurt. My suggestion is: tell them, you’re welcome to stop seeing me if you want. It’s up to you. That way, you should get an honest answer. You’re inviting them to speak openly.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Priscilla30302, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 23, City : Sydney, State : NA Country : Australia, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 
    #32960

    tursiops
    Participant

    Fear. Plain and simple. Inability to deal with the effects that that person’s decision will have on their boyfriend. I think males and females alike have difficulty dealing with the consequences of their actions when they are as unpleasant as a break-up. I think in each person’s mind, there is the hope that they can completely avoid the negative consequences (painful facial expressions, anger, crying, hysteria, hurt)if they somehow avoid informing the boyfriend/girlfriend of their decision.

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    Name : tursiops, Gender : F, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 29, City : Phoenix, State : AZ Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, 
    #26345

    Charlene
    Participant

    I think most people just don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. Being blunt and saying, ‘I don’t like you,’ seems pretty harsh. Granted, keeping the person hanging on is worse in the long run, but some people just don’t have the courage to tell the person straight out that they aren’t interested.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Charlene, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Baptist, Age : 37, City : Lansing, State : MI Country : United States, Occupation : Manager, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 
    #15384

    Angela
    Member

    To answer your question based on my personal experiences, I do this because I care too much about the other person’s feelings. I’m too worried about hurting the person. And for me there’s no other way to do it. I’d rather bend the truth a little than be completely honest and hurt them.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Angela, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 21, City : Adrian, State : MI Country : United States, Occupation : Student, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 
    #19147

    Erika25245
    Participant

    I think it’s much too difficult to tell someone that you never had an orgasm with them, or you’re too short, or you’re not romantic enough. I think that saying less insulting things, that could possibly be true, (like being busy) comes across easier, than the above truths. I’m definitely not saying that any of the ‘I’m busy lines’ are right, but I’d rather hear something like: ‘My career is picking up, and I’ll be too busy for a relationship, rather than: ‘you have bad personal hygiene so I’m leaving you.’ It’s true what they say, the truth hurts, and so people take the easy route. I think sometimes if we say something like ‘it’s just not working out,’ the other person wants an explanation, which is understandable, but then it just comes back to telling them what you disliked about them, and that’s hard, especially if the person is nice, but they just don’t shower enough 🙂

    User Detail :  

    Name : Erika25245, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Christian, Age : 30, City : Los Angeles, State : CA Country : United States, Occupation : Graduate Student, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 
    #22454

    Sara28331
    Participant

    I think this is a misguided attempt to spare the other person’s feelings. Some people can’t bear to confront anything head on. I think they think if they just keep putting the person off, it’s less messy. Or they might be afraid of how the person will react. I have to admit that I’ve used this approach if I know the guy has a bad temper.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Sara28331, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Age : 37, City : Lansing, State : MI Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper class, 
    #17526

    Amy
    Member

    Sometimes it is because we don’t want to hurt your feelings. People say they like to be told the truth to, but I don’t think that’s true. Telling somebody that you’re busy and telling them that you don’t like them because they’re ugly and they smell like a sweaty pig will result in the same thing, the relationship will probably end, but one will be easier to deal with and a lot less hurtful. Also, sometimes we don’t know exactly why we want to end the relationship, so we have to come up with some reason.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Amy, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 17, City : Hinesville, State : GA Country : United States, Occupation : Student, 
    #47157

    Shannon28078
    Participant

    I completely agree with being honest when ending a relationship. It is good for the other person to not have to guess and it shows that you have integrity. It shouldn’t hurt peoples feelings so much when someone is honest with you. I believe it hurts because that partner has given mixed signals and made you believe there was something there that wasn’t. I can’t believe how both sexes play so many mind games to fill whatever insecurity they have. If someone doesn’t feel the ‘chemistry’ they should be upfront right away and not blow someone off. I believe that is how so many people get ‘scorned’ sort of speak. I feel people do this because they don’t want to be mean, but making someone believe in something that doesn’t exist is mean. Maybe it makes them feel better. The point though is better to tell someone upfront so they can hopefully move on and find a person better suited.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Shannon28078, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Catholic, Age : 27, City : Citrus Heights, State : CA Country : United States, Occupation : Pharmaceutical, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 
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