Am I unapproachable?

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  • #3383

    Madeline
    Participant

    I’m a 17-year-old girl who has never had a boyfriend and has never even kissed a guy, whereas many girls my age have had numerous boyfriends (and you can bet they do a lot more then kissing). I don’t think I’m ugly, because when I’m out guys will come up to me all the time and tell me I’m beautiful. But that’s where it stops. Strangers compliment me all the time, but nobody has ever tried to get to know me and ask me out. People tell me I have a model’s figure, too. Somebody once told me that perhaps it’s because guys view me as unapproachable. For the guys out there (or girls if you think you could provide an answer): what makes a girl unapproachable?

    User Detail :  

    Name : Madeline, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Catholic, Age : 17, City : New York, State : NY Country : United States, Occupation : theater, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 
    #16899

    David-C26043
    Participant

    From a guy’s point of view, the fact is that most heterosexual men are reluctant to get involved with a bisexual woman. They generally expect gender fidelity. You might fare better if you seek out bisexual men (and they are fewer in number). Then both parties know which team(s) they are batting for, and how to score a home run!

    User Detail :  

    Name : David-C26043, Gender : M, City : Brisbane, State : NA Country : Australia, 
    #19633

    Rick29953
    Participant

    Beauty can make a girl unapproachable. Most regular young guys don’t have the confidence to go after a really beautiful female. And getting shot down by one won’t help the old confidence level, either. But you may also give off body language signals that tell people to keep away, such as not making eye contact with anyone. That’s all I can think of for your situation.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Rick29953, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, City : Springfield, State : OH Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 
    #26438

    MurrayC
    Participant

    Assuming for a moment that you are better looking than most girls, it is safe to assume that most guys will think you are ‘unapproachable.’ Most guys honestly don’t think they have a chance with you and are afraid of getting ‘shot down’ in front of everyone. People have the preconceived notion that a beautiful person can ‘have anyone they want’; therefore, why risk the embarrassment of getting shot down?

    So it is up to you: if you see a guy you are really interested in, but think he will never ask you out, then you have to make the first move. Start slowly, don’t thrust yourself into his world. Let him get to know you first, and when he feels comfortable around you, ask him out. I can’t tell you the number of times I was afraid to ask someone out because of getting shot down. In fact, I went to my senior prom stag because I was affraid of getting rejected. Later, after the fact, at least three girls (very pretty girls) told me they wished they went out with me because their dates turned out to be jerks because they only saw their female companions as ‘trophies.’

    User Detail :  

    Name : MurrayC, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Age : 33, City : Halifax, Nova Scotia, State : NA Country : Canada, Occupation : Draftsman, Education level : Technical School, Social class : Upper middle class, 
    #28288

    JerryS
    Member

    There are several things that make a girl look unapproachable. First, if she is with another guy, especially (in your age bracket) a ‘big man’ (football captain, etc.). Second, if she is always in a group of girlfriends: when a guy approaches, does she step forward to talk, or do the girls close ranks around her? Third, if she is not outgoing, guys will assume she is not interested; I imagine that beautiful-but-shy girls are perceived as stand-offish. I don’t know, because I always assumed they didn’t want to have anything to do with me and never found out if they were just shy.

    I guess I could sum it up by asking if a guy you didn’t like asked you out, would you accept? Would you turn him down kindly? Or would you and your friends start giggling at his audacity?

    User Detail :  

    Name : JerryS, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Jewish, Age : 52, City : New Britain, State : CT Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 
    #30344

    Lisa22817
    Participant

    It could be:
    Your body language – If you’re sitting or standing in a manner that says ‘Get away’ or ‘Don’t come near me,’ people will stay away and not come near you. Or if your body language suggests the opposite – many guys steer clear of women who seem too inviting or desperate. Or maybe you just seem (unintentionally) uninterested or busy. Many guys tell me their first impression of me was that of aloofness or arrogance (both couldn’t be further from the truth), but I can see how someone else could say/see that because I’m in my own world most of the time.

    It could be:
    That they’re intimidated by your appearance. Many men feel insecure in the presence of an attractive woman. On the other hand, some men view perfectly attractive women as brainless Buffy’s only concerned with their hair and clothes.

    It could be a number of things, but don’t beat yourself over it. Just try to feel comfortable with yourself and hopefully others will feel at ease with you, also. And lastly, don’t think about it. You never find things when you’re looking for them or waiting for them to happen.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Lisa22817, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, City : Gaithersburg, State : MD Country : United States, 
    #31950

    Beth23212
    Participant

    I saw a poll about how people know the opposite sex is attracted to them. I think women said it’s when a guy keeps looking at them, but men said it was when a woman kept talking to them. So the next time someone comes up and says you’re beautiful, you might keep talking and see it that works.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Beth23212, Gender : F, City : Indianpolis, State : IN Country : United States, 
    #36955

    Yariv
    Member

    I think if someone shows their self-confidence to society, he or she will be approachable, definitely. You say you look good, and that’s great. But, and I speak for myself, a male needs to see the inner side of a female and love it before the outside. That’s the path for good acceptance.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Yariv, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Jewish, Age : 25, City : rishon, State : IL Country : Israel, Occupation : student of nursing, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 
    #41637

    Susan
    Member

    There may be many reasons you are not approached. I am not a beauty queen, but I ran into much the same problem when I was younger. With me, it seemed as if my shyness was interpreted as ‘being snobby’ when it wasn’t the case at all. So I learned to be more friendly. If an interesting guy approaches you and compliments you, it helps if you respond to him in one of two ways: friendly (‘Why thank you, that was a very sweet thing to say’ – with a big smile) or with a sense of humor (Thanks… You’re not so bad yourself! – another big smile) It’s your willingness to BE approached which makes you more approachable. I am considered attractive by many men. However, I have found that I am most often approached by men who I respond to first. I compliment them on their clothing, or I respond to a comment they made, or I just smile at them in passing. Perhaps you need to give a little in order to get a lot.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Susan, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 41, City : Jacksonville, State : FL Country : United States, Occupation : Real Estate, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 
    #26503

    Alex J.
    Member

    The most significant aspect of being unapproachable is attitude. Are you being shy? Standoffish? Probably, and without meaning to be. You probably lack the experience to respond ‘correctly’ to attention paid to you, which may put people off-balance. Try being more outgoing. This is the 21st century; you can ask guys out. I also note that at 17 you have two years of college. That probably intimidates guys your age, and your age puts your fellow students on edge.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Alex J., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Jewish, Age : 17, City : Elkins Park, State : PA Country : United States, Occupation : High School student, Education level : Less than High School Diploma, Social class : Middle class, 
    #37444

    Ronald-V29470
    Participant

    Although it is great for the ego when people pay attention to you, I wouldn’t rush into things. Sometimes guys look for easy pickings. Sometimes we broadcast our ‘eagerness’ which can work against us. The best that I can suggest is that you become involved in an aspect of community service-seniors, children, literacy etc. Just as couples who adopt children soon have their own, concentrating on helping others will bring its own dividends in helping others, and miraculously attract the people that you would like to meet.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Ronald-V29470, City : Edmonton, State : NA Country : Canada, 
    #39327

    Tara-Christie
    Participant

    When I was 17 that’s how I felt as well. I was unapproachable. When I was out of highschool i spoke with former classmates and they said they would have loved to have asked me out but they were scared of me saying no. I was really shy and didn’t speak much. People took that for being snobby and didn’t want to talk to me. I missed out alot by being so shy.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Tara-Christie, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 27, City : Chapel Hill, State : NC Country : United States, Occupation : Vista Volunteer, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Lower middle class, 
    #14742

    Tara-C
    Participant

    When I was 17, that’s how I felt as well. I was unapproachable. When I was out of high school, I spoke with former classmates, and they said they would have loved to have asked me out but were scared of me saying no. I was really shy and didn’t speak much. People took that for being snobby and didn’t want to talk to me. I missed out a lot by being so shy.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Tara-C, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 27, City : Chapel Hill, State : NC Country : United States, Occupation : Vista Volunteer, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Lower middle class, 
    #25048

    I’ve come to the conclusion that women who are very attractive are unapproachable because it seems very likely that they will reject advances. The man thinks ‘This woman is gorgeous, she could just take any man she wants. What kind of a chance would I have? If she wanted a man, she’d already be going out with one of all those handsome guys around.’ But just because men often have trouble approaching attractive women, they usually have no trouble accepting the approaches of those same women, since the worry about inadequacy is dispelled if the woman shows her own interest.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Joel Sammallahti, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 18, City : Helsinki, State : NA Country : Norway, Social class : Middle class, 
    #33746

    Kristina
    Member

    I understand where you’re coming from. In high school, I did not have a boyfriend. The girls who did were ‘all of that,’ so to speak, at my school: they had higher grades than me, longer hair (long hair is a big deal in the African-American race) and more slender bodies. I, like you, felt as if something was wrong with me – I felt I was ugly and fat (even though I’m average size for a black woman). This pattern of low self-esteem led me to take anything that was available when I was in college. Indeed, he was a piece of trash who ruined my life during that time. I did not have the self-esteem to break up with him early because I was afraid I couldn’t get anyone else.

    I did not get away from that thinking until I started Internet dating, which boosted my self-confidence. With Internet dating, I went from having no dates to having two dates a week. I had to cancel going out with some types of people because I had so many to choose from. And this is with no change to my physique. I do not recommend you, as young as you are, doing Internet dating for safety reasons. What I do recommend is that you go into environments where boys are around. The more boys you have approach you, the better you will feel about yourself. For teenagers, the arcade is the best place to find guys.

    Most importantly, don’t feel as if something is wrong with you because you never had a boyfriend. I believe there is somebody for everyone – half the time, women who get the men are not the beautiful models you see on television. The bottom line is a man has to fall in love with your personality, not your looks, because they can change. Looks may draw them in, but they don’t keep them. I’ve weighed 122 and had no boyfriend, and now weigh 160 and have a boyfriend who cares about me very much. So it’s not looks. Have high self-esteem no matter what you look like, or you may too easily fall into the clutches of a no-count man.

    User Detail :  

    Name : Kristina, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Christian, Age : 20, City : Washington, State : DC Country : United States, Occupation : Transcriber, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 
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